I’ve Made a Mistake, Yes, I’m Just a Man

Mister Bon Jovi would have hardly ever had the opportunity to end up among my favorites for the classes if he had not had the talent to make this confession a stanza of a beautiful song. I’m not particularly quite the fan of him, but along with several others this song is sentimentally related to the time of my teenage years, and the aforementioned verse appears to be an excellent motto for the theme of my today’s article. However, this is going to be all from him. Thank you, Mister Catch Me if You Can.

Today’s classes I dedicate to the mistakes, people, talents, as well as to a very special and beloved one; the man who still keeps taking my breath the same way as he has ever done. He who turned 42 exactly four days ago and would have celebrated it with us if he was still here. In fact, he has never been away. Those who touch your heart deeply, remain to live there forever. Of course, if your heart is a good host.

CLASS OF ’10

track >> PLAY
band >> alice in chains
lyrics >> angry chair

I choose this song not for one reason. It is one of my most favourite of all times, it is entirely his, Laynie’s, as I call him in my own language, in Gallish, it is a song for his mistake, fatal, because there are such, a mistake that has taken away from him the opportunity to enjoy life, if he could, and from us one gigantic and irreplaceable talent, the chance to enjoy more of his music and art. Though our consolation is that we still have this heritage to appreciate, if we can.

However, I am not going to talk about others’ mistakes here; let everyone with more or less personal experience do so for themselves, and if there is a one who wants to listen, the best is doing it from first hand. Here, I am talking about my mistakes and what I have found about them, about people and the talents to make, confess and forgive, gaining such along the way. Surely, you might have experienced perceiving something in your life as a page already turned over, a chapter read or a whole book closed, and it would be completely natural. Well, I can say myself as well and with a good dose of confidence too that this lesson, taken a notable deal of time and effort, for me is already finished, learnt, understood. Qualifications might be ahead, but I feel the secure, stable foundation on which to upgrade.

I have made a lot of mistakes in my life, I even feel their number beyond the average scale of admissibility, which the statistics would indicate if such existed. Of course, it is all a subjective perception, but I know where it comes from. I guess, an intelligent and smart human, who usually thinks before acting and is also guided by pure motives, would feel a similar way when, despite all these worthy qualities, their talent to make mistakes prevails at times. It is not by chance that I mention about the number, because whether of luck or, who knows, precisely because of the listed qualities, these numerous mistakes had never reached too extreme limits, but it is a relative concept as well.

I have made a lot of mistakes in my life, most of them involuntarily, other equal part was of silliness. Heh, I remember the words of my boy-artist who used to have a much convincing outlook for our very short acquaintance. Now, having already achieved the same talent, I can share his opinion that, despite the fact I have never been a stupid girl, this has not prevented me of doing quite a lot of silly things. A third part of my mistakes I own to confusion; the process of self-recognition, the road to oneself is quite complex, especially when you walk it in a bigger world, more complicated and chaotic than your own internal. Entirely what the nature of things is. I guess this is a suitable moment to warn you that the things I talk about myself with confidence, of course, always leaving a few pinches of doubt, the guaranteeing percentage for realism, are namely based on such a prolonged process of self-recognizing, a result of constant asking and seeking answers throughout the sieve of serious, not to say raw, self-directed scrutiny. The same way I approach to know the world, I approach to know myself, in depth. I can try to assure those who would continue to doubt, something quite natural, but would still be open to the foreign experience, that, yes, one cannot know themselves in the perfect way, because no perfect people exist, but can still be capable of getting more or less aware, and this is a conscious process.

Another part of my mistakes are due to selfishness, or as I have perceived it imposed from outside by someone’s view without intention, or on the contrary, with the motive to provoke feelings of guilt. Now, however, with the solid dose of confidence and personal knowledge, and with good understanding about the environment, in which all of us have spent one or another part of their lives, I can name this so-called selfishness was more an explicable, logical protective reaction towards one anti-human, human-centrifugal mentality. Mentality that wants of you to be faultless and wants this not for your sake, but for its own comfort. Who is selfish in the case?! Mentality that teaches you to accept people not in their natural diversity and difference but to your private measures, leading only to mutual intolerance and rejection. Mentality, which you will never manage to satisfy, because it does not want your unique features, your individuality, and which, if you still insist to be a part of, God only knowing why, will impose on you the term to make fundamental compromises with yourself and to turn into someone else to ever have a chance to be liked. Oh, this is not for everyone… Mentality that is wrong itself, and wants from you to be without faults. Which looks through the eyes of sentence rather than justice. Which makes malicious joy of your mistakes, because it knows to use them excellently against you when judging you for being not ideal, and you are deliberately taught to believe you can be. Which deprives you of your right to be a human and to be happy with your imperfection; in harmony with yourself, knowing this is entirely what human nature is; peaceful that you will always have a second chance when you get wrong, because you realize it, feel sincerely regretful and desire to improve the damaged. Mentality that vindicates impudence with no scruples to intentionally hurt and recidivism without end and without limits, but which does not accept your repentance and never forgives. How to feel the power of possessing conscience or the good to repent when there is no one to forgive you?!

The way to defeat such a mentality begins when you feel that you are not yourself being part of it and in result choose not to be. When you choose to be yourself, to have the courage to seek and find, to see your true self, and not the one someone else wants you to be. When you accept yourself, able to appreciate your virtues and straightly face your faults; when you choose what to change and what to keep, to improve from your qualities. When you break down the illusion, turning you into a slave and a victim, that you can be faultless and the manipulation that you owe this to someone else than yourself. When you achieve enough personal knowledge to state with confidence that you are not afraid to be what you are and to get wrong, because you are a human, a one with conscience and dignity, and your mistakes are not your sentence but crucial and irreversible life experience along the road to improvement.

I found an essential part of my internal harmony and freedom exactly when I realized that, despite my distinctive features and together with my faults, I am just one man among billions of other similar and different people. Truth is that this long personal process has been strongly encouraged by my acquaintance with environment outside the local. Will the local change for better depends entirely on us and how comfortable we feel here, but surely it has got the chance. As for me, I am glad to have achieved the talent to accept this truth about people, to keep my principles but with much better understanding towards them and judging them less, to feel satisfaction to admit my mistakes and to ask for forgiveness, confident in my conscience, in my ability to feel sincere repentance and the awareness that I am not capable of hurting intentionally, voluntary, cold-blooded, for neither this is “me” nor I could ever bear living this way with myself. As everyone I am not spared the hurt as well but never have I experienced difficulties to forgive; no matter how strong the pain or devastating the destruction, I can feel grief, dis-acquiescence, anger, but not hatred, this is just my nature. And now, in this innermost moment I want to say “I am sorry!!” to everyone whom I have once hurt and whom I shall most likely do in the future, because no matter how further I improve, I remain just a man.